I know this is way outside of my normal blogging schedule, but I feel like I need to throw this out to the world and get it off my chest since it's keeping me awake tonight.
My posts here tend to lean towards (I think) the positive and upbeat. At the very least, not negative. It's very easy for me to do that here, but it's not always true to what my writing life is really like.
I get up in the morning and go to a job that is just ten different kinds of exhausting. I get home no earlier than 5:30 in the afternoon, and that's on a good day. Once home and settled, I have about four good, productive hours a night that I can use to get things done. Just one of these things is to work on my writing.
Tonight, I got home around 6:00 and immediately sat down at the computer. I opened a short story I've been needing to edit. All of my editing notes were already written up, so I thought it would be a fairly simple task. I was struggling to find the right words, so it was going a little slower than I had hoped it would. At 8:09, I looked at the clock and realized that half of my night was gone. And realized there was no way I would be able to meet my goal for the night. Out of nowhere, I took the printed draft that I was looking over on my desk and threw it across the room. As the pages scattered across the floor around me, there was a voice in my head that said, "I cannot do this." In that moment, I was ready to throw in the towel. I thought there is no way that I can work full-time at this miserable, exhausting job and try to become a writer too.
The fact of the matter is writing is tough. It's a lot of hard work. There are times when we question ourselves, and our abilities. There are days or weeks or even months where we feel that every word we throw up onto the page is complete and utter shit. And that we'll never write anything good, let alone great. At least I know I do.
But then I took a deep breath, and looked at the Word doc pulled up on my computer screen, and that little black cursor blinking steadily, waiting for me. And then a sentence for my story popped into my head, so I typed it. Then I gathered my scattered pages and went back to my notes. A few minutes later, I decided to call it a day. But I didn't feel like throwing in the towel anymore.
I guess the point of this, if there is a point, is that even though writing is tough sometimes, it's also a part of us. It's not like we can just say "Okay, I quit" and then we'll never think of another story idea or write a sentence in our heads or create another character. Being a writer is part of who we are, and we can't quit being who we are. So when you feel like quitting, or if you're just struggling to find the right words, maybe all you really need to do is take a step back, and let the words write themselves.
"The position of the artist is humble. He is essentially a channel." - Piet Mondrian
My posts here tend to lean towards (I think) the positive and upbeat. At the very least, not negative. It's very easy for me to do that here, but it's not always true to what my writing life is really like.
I get up in the morning and go to a job that is just ten different kinds of exhausting. I get home no earlier than 5:30 in the afternoon, and that's on a good day. Once home and settled, I have about four good, productive hours a night that I can use to get things done. Just one of these things is to work on my writing.
Tonight, I got home around 6:00 and immediately sat down at the computer. I opened a short story I've been needing to edit. All of my editing notes were already written up, so I thought it would be a fairly simple task. I was struggling to find the right words, so it was going a little slower than I had hoped it would. At 8:09, I looked at the clock and realized that half of my night was gone. And realized there was no way I would be able to meet my goal for the night. Out of nowhere, I took the printed draft that I was looking over on my desk and threw it across the room. As the pages scattered across the floor around me, there was a voice in my head that said, "I cannot do this." In that moment, I was ready to throw in the towel. I thought there is no way that I can work full-time at this miserable, exhausting job and try to become a writer too.
The fact of the matter is writing is tough. It's a lot of hard work. There are times when we question ourselves, and our abilities. There are days or weeks or even months where we feel that every word we throw up onto the page is complete and utter shit. And that we'll never write anything good, let alone great. At least I know I do.
But then I took a deep breath, and looked at the Word doc pulled up on my computer screen, and that little black cursor blinking steadily, waiting for me. And then a sentence for my story popped into my head, so I typed it. Then I gathered my scattered pages and went back to my notes. A few minutes later, I decided to call it a day. But I didn't feel like throwing in the towel anymore.
I guess the point of this, if there is a point, is that even though writing is tough sometimes, it's also a part of us. It's not like we can just say "Okay, I quit" and then we'll never think of another story idea or write a sentence in our heads or create another character. Being a writer is part of who we are, and we can't quit being who we are. So when you feel like quitting, or if you're just struggling to find the right words, maybe all you really need to do is take a step back, and let the words write themselves.
"The position of the artist is humble. He is essentially a channel." - Piet Mondrian
Beautifully said. I totally understand exactly what you went through and have been there many times. I commend you for not quitting... not that we necessarily have a choice, as you said. This writing thing, once it gets under your skin, doesn't tend to ever go away.
ReplyDeleteWonderful post.
Jessica we've all been there and know how you feel! Sometimes writing is hard, truly hard. I would suggest you take some time to read books you enjoy, or stories in the genre you're trying to write, go do some stuff that you've put off because of writing, and then come back. I guarantee things will be a million times better.
ReplyDelete((((HUGS))))
I love the new design.
ReplyDeleteAmy, that's such wonderful advice. I've really been pushing myself to write a lot the past few weeks, and I think it might have something to do with the frustration I was feeling last night. A break may be just what I need. Thank you! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteLisa - Thanks! Glad you like it, and thanks for stopping by.
I too have been feeling this way of late, perhaps its something in the air, or maybe some version of the mid winter blues. Thanks for posting this. :)
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI SO feel that way sometimes - I'd love to chuck my laptop out the window. Sigh! But you're right - when it comes down to it, we write because we need to. And you WILL work around any issues and problems; you will make it work because that's you!
ReplyDeleteHoney....I feel your pain! I too have a demanding job (although mine doesn't suck the life from me) and very little time at night to feel creative. Consequently weekends are spent in from of the PC while my wife and kids carry-on around me, wondering when I'm going to come out and play. But both of us persevere, because it is who we are. Nights like you just described will be balanced by others where you'll be unable to wipe the proud smile from your face over a passage you've just writtern.
ReplyDeleteWe all stare into the eyes of that particular demon. Do not blink! :)
Well said :-)
ReplyDeleteShannon - It could definitely be some mid-winter blues. I always feel a bit down in the winter. Thanks for stopping by!
ReplyDeleteKelly - Thank you! :)